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Thursday, January 20, 2011 | 10:33am
SOUND OFF: Can Men & Women REALLY Just Be Friends?
Is it possible for Men and Women even if married to each other to engage platonic relationship?
@tamararallen #relationships
The SOUND OFF discussion today is inspired by an article I read by Tamara R. Allen who writes a blog from the perspective of the “Advice Guru”. She recently received the following letter.
Dear Tamara:
My husband has a close relationship with a female friend whom he communicates with often. They talk on the phone, text each other and communicate quite a bit on Facebook. I am growing more and more uncomfortable with their close friendship. My husband has assured me that they are just friends and that I don’t have anything to worry about. I have tried to be open minded about their relationship, but it really bothers me. I do not understand why they have to communicate so much. Should I insist that he cut off this friendship?
— His No.1 Friend
I wasn’t surprised to believe that Tamara would say that Men and Women CAN be friends. Most women belivie so, until their the insecure spouse.
Believe it or not, men and women can be “just friends.”Healthy platonic friendships do exist,” she said. “That being said, I am a firm believer that there is a “right” way to be friends with someone who is married or in a committed relationship.
Tamara goes on to offer advice to each party in the arrangement and how they can be supportive to the marriage and friendship. You can read it here.
As I read her column which is part of a great blog I might add, my question was…can Men and Women be friends at all? Its honestly a question and not meant to be a cynical statement. Think about it. I have single friends who insist they can’t be cool with a woman without sleeping with her. On the other hand if you feel the insecurities of “His No.1 Friend” are founded then perhaps married men can’t be friends with other women either.
All that said, I began to wonder if Married couples themselves can actually be friends either? I know everyone puts on the good face and will say, “sure” but does the institution of marriage allow for “Friendship” in the traditional sense? If not, then perhaps Men and Women can’t be strictly plutonic friends at all. When I examine the relationships of my friends, ironically it is the relationships of those who have kids together perhaps were married but now divorced or just separated at some point that appear to be the happiest “just being friends.” Think on that.
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this sounds awful but… Every good female friend i have that i’m close with on a platonic level is ugly… i’m keep it 100.. i have no attraction to these ladies, which may enable me to be strictly friends with them.. majority of the other friends that are female and good looking i’ve slept with or tried too… its tough…
Same here champ.
Auchamp. No that’s doesn’t sound bad at all. The truth is we’re not intended to be attracted to every woman. “Ugly” is relative. I just means that you two don’t have good chemistry physically but can vibe on a platonic level. So maybe Tamara is right. The unfortunate thing however is that if this is true, that means that if you’re married, your wife would only hang out with another woman if she was ugly. That’s not cool.
My only true friend right now is a woman. She is gorgeous. I have no interest in her. I think probably because I know her so well. She has cried on my shoulder when her heart has been broken and has given me much marital advice. Because she is fine, my wife has always said that I like her and that I’m going to eventually end up messing around with her. She couldn’t be more wrong. Right now, she has a man and when I met dude a couple of weeks ago, he looked me up and down, kind of sizing me up. I just gave him the blank stare. If I were interested in her, I would have moved in a long time ago. Why would I wait until she has a man? … But, I didn’t meet her at a bar, or through a friend trying to hook us up or anything; we used to work together and I don’t cross that line with co-workers…otherwise, yeah, I prolly would have ran G from the beginning….
Ok so this is interesting. So the reason you never pursued anything was because of predetermined societal boundaries? None the less if what you’re saying is correct and I believe it is you’ve proved Tamara’s hypothesis that Men and Women can be friends.
I believe it does. Further, I used to work with a fine young woman with whom I also didn’t cross the line. At that time, I was married. I actually noticed how pretty she was more than one year later, after I was separated on my way to divorce. Still, I never pursued her. After we both had moved on to other jobs, about another year later, I ran into her and pursued a relationship. We are married now (for the time being, anyway)…so, I pursued one, but never the other. They are both fine…I guess men and women can be just friends.
So what you are telling me is you never… ever… ever….never…ever… thought about making them toes curl?…. I respect it brutha…
I was very hesitate to comment on this but…. every guy that claims to be my friend has tried to touch/kiss me. I classify myself as “SEXY” so my movements would seem to entice a man however I cannot control the way my hips/ass move, my silly giggle, or my big lips. See where I am going!! It causes for very awkward moments when the same male friends persist and I insist that I’m not interested. With that said, NONE of my ex’s are my friends b/c they feel I am trying to flirt. HELL NO!! I know when I want a man. I let him know that “I WANT YOU” in the biblical sense and the dirty street sense too (hahahah). So can women and men be friends based on my own personal experience….NOOOOOO!!!!!!
I dont believe you…. I think as a Nation we need visual confirmation of these “hips/ass”, and “big lips” you speak of so we know exactly what is so “enticing”…… joking…..or maybe not….
Shut Up!! Mr. Bad Guy….hahahahah
I agree and disagree…i have had yourproblem, but it can be avoided. I have had the same male friend for 13yrs. He has asked me out and he has tried to convince me we would be good together, but when I rejected he let it go. So I know that I have a man that loves me BUT he respects our friendship and that’s why he’s one of my “besties”(lol). So I say yes 2 MATURE adults can be friends. : )
I have two differnt outloooks on a female who attractive versus a female who is good looking.
If an attraction is present between two people they can’t be friends, because they will sooner or later play on that attraction and the friendship will may be ruined.
Most people seek good looking people searching for an attraction to them and then hope to make a bond. Usually the attraction part isnt met and the person goes looking elsewhere.
In general my answer is yes men and women can just be friends. If in a serious relationship, especially a married one in my opinion, you have to be very careful with it. Someone told me once that “perception is 9/10 of the law” when it comes to relationship and if we think somethings up between two people, it’ll be hard to change what people think. I agree wit Tamara that all parties have to respect the relationships involved. To me it all relates to how we like to put people together. That mentality that if I see you spending time wit someone it means that you two have something going on and at most times we assume it’s something physical before anything else. Regardless to the reality, it’s the thoughts and words of the people outside of the platonic relationship that make things bad/difficult.
im wit champ men and women can be friends if the woman is ugly. sad but true. if she is fine you can be friends but that doesnt stop the guy from bein interested hes just waiting on an opening. real talk all the ones that r just friends the guy would be just friends just to keep the fine woman around, not loosing her and bein friends is better than letting her go. we as men are visual creatures so if maliah michel walks thru that door ur not gonna want to be friends but u will if u have too.
well put dewayne. That’s another angle as well.
Yes you guys are visual creatures, and I know that my friend is just waiting for my ok. But that goes back to 2 mature adults and respecting the friendship. I’m sure I may see him another way someday but I don’t want to jump in cause the friendship is great. Cause then I would be using him and I respect him too much. All I’m saying is do WAIT for that opening cause those extra persistant brothers just makes me think that your seconds from raping me.
“situations… will arise” (*Usher)
Son, thats bullshit, no man WANTS to be put in the friendzone, no matter how much he says men/women can be friends..
The Alpha male will only be friends with a woman if ONLY it gets him laid by another woman. Therefore friends with a married woman can work ONLY if she has gf that are single and ready. If my wife befriends a SINGLE man she better have someone to fix him up with immediately, or (trust) problems WILL occur. Situations, will arise when your woman WILL have to make a choice between love and lust. How many OTHER male lions do you see in a pride? Get real fellas!
With all due respect to the male/female friendzone situations that exist, the dynamic remains the same. If an attractive, married man “befriends” an attractive single woman, you better believe their going to HAVE to discuss the dynamics IMMEDIATELY! Lots of female playas like the challenge of a married man just as much as the other way around. The “Alpha” male as Jumungus puts it will NOT imagine things the other way around if his wife “befriends” a handsome single man. Therefore, in order for any friendships to exist between the sexes, there has to be major discussions; even if they are over the course of time.
…and furthermore, I’ve been considered attractive by quite a few women; single or married. I encounter some of the same problems that attractive women encounter. Some women think I’m kidding when I offer a friendship to them; especially if they’re fine also. The only difference is I don’t see myself being “raped” by a crazed female without my consent. This is what alters the scales a bit.
I agree with Dewayne, we are visual creatures. With that said I have never seen a woman for the first time and thought to myself wow, I would like to be her friend. In general men keep 2 types of woman around, ones we have had sex with and ones we want to have sex with. The exceptions to this are family members and friends spouses, unfortunatley the latter isn’t always that simple either. The friend role often just wolf in sheeps clothing, waiting for the chance to cross that line. With all of this being said, yes there are woman we are friendly with, coworkers, the ugly chicks, etc… but lets be honest, we are not calling, texting, emailing and hanging out with them all the time. We save that effort for the 2 types of woman mentioned all ready.