- Home
- Business & Marketing (833)
- Editorials (671)
- Entertainment (2033)
- Fashion (1032)
- Highbrid (189)
- Honeys (2876)
- Humor (948)
- Music (5222)
- Need to Know (2224)
- News (2076)
- Podcasts (4)
- ARCHIVE
Tuesday, December 14, 2010 | 11:21pm
DEAR NATION: What Does It Take To Be Succesful In a NEW SCHOOL Marriage?
Part II of my Exploration of Marriage series
#Marriage
A couple of weeks ago I posed the question “Should I get Married.“ While the questions was somewhat personal it was also a hypothetical spark for debate as well as an actual inquiry and subsequently I learned a lot from the Nation as I always do. I hope the discussion was insightful for us all and proved to thought provoking.
I wanted to follow up on the discussion today as a new study has been published by the USA Today that suggests that “40% of Americans Feel Marriage is Obsolete.” The Poll also states that only 54% of eligible respondents are married, compared to 72% in 1960. Additionally 75% of married couples say their relationships are on the rocks and this has led to an alarming incidence of divorce which is occurring at an astonishing 2 out of every three ratio among African Americans.
When we originally discussed the topic, many of you who were on the Pro-Marriage side cited the comfort, compassion, stability and yes even convenience and material benefits that marriage may offer. While those skeptics on the other hand chose instead to focus on the way in which marriage is not what it was in past generations. Perhaps marriage is no longer as much about love and romance as it has become about contract. Given today’s societal demands it may necessitate it to some degree.
While marriages still look the same as they did back in our parents day, beneath the surface, finances, power struggles, stress, increased infidelity and Facebook??? have morphed the institution of marriage into…an institution. So all this evolution and change begs the question. So as I (we) continue to ponder this question, lets SOUND OFF: Speaking specifically about TODAY’s New School Marriages. What does it take to be successful today and overcome those hurdles and obstacles our parent’s generation was not subjected to?
FILED IN Editorials, Need to Know
PATIENCE……A whole F@CKING lot of patience…. and an equal part of self control. Both run seldom in today’s quick paced, get it now, leave it quick society.
.
I dont know how “obsolete” marriage has become. That study has to ask the question of WHY they feel marriage is obsolete. The answer to the question of why is the key.
I agree. Obsolete is an opinion. We’d have to further define the word.
Wow, I did not know this was going to be a series?! My parents were married in 1963 and separated in 2004 when my Dad died. That is 41 years of happiness, arguments, kids, 9/11, in-laws, car purchases (that caused the biggest issues), etc. Since I was raised within this I use my parents unconditional love as my example for relationships. Through the ups and downs my parents ALWAYS loved each other. If you have a strong foundation (love, trust, respect, forgiveness, and patience) you can overcome ALL relationship obstacles.
Juan what makes a great business man? What makes a great neighbor? What makes a great brother, uncle, father, etc? The only difference is that when you are married you take all those things to make a great man to the next level. You share the most intimate moments with your wife that NO ONE will ever understand but you and her.
My father used to always complain about my mom and I would say “Daddy if she is so bad then divorce her”. He would respond with his offended voice “That is your mother. That is MY wife”. No matter what “That was HIS Wife” and us kids would never understand that depth until we, ourselves, got to that level of LOVE.
That’s the old school way of looking at it or better yet the old country. Does that work today?
Some things in life remain consistent over time like prositution and marriage. If the formula worked so well then why change it??
Anywho….I will let you know if the “old school/old county” methods work once I get married.
If having trust, respect and patience for someone who you want to be a part of your life is “old school/old country”, then so be it. Yes I am older which has nothing to do with my screen name. But when I married, I was younger than you, much. Both my husband and I had things we like the same as well as differences. But that didn’t mean we wanted to walk away from each other because of the differences. We worked it out. If everyone agreed to everything, what a boring world this would be, no growth, no excitement. Plus you have to keep your life together interesting. It is a process that you work towards like anything else worth having.
Honey Love, you and I are on the same page. I look at my life with my husband and you are right. It does takes faith, patience, respect and all of that between two people. No one else can say or do anything about a wife and a husband. Love when its real between two people stands strong.
I agree with both of you, Honey Love and Candy1252. To quote some great old songs, “What we need is LOVE,” to make a marriage work. I’m separated and I love my wife to death. She doesn’t love me like she did before and “after the love is gone, what used to be right is wrong” so there is no patience and caring, etc. Even if she comes back asking to get back with me, I will not get back with her if I don’t feel that love coming from her. What would be the point? I can put up with her faults because I love her. She can’t do the same, so, separating again would be inevitable.
Love is the greatest creative force in the universe. People nurture, teach, build things when they love. People destroy when they hate or fear. People allow deterioration when they don’t care. Nobody runs into a burning building to save someone they hate. But who wouldn’t step in front of a bullet headed toward someone they love? If you wouldn’t, then you don’t love them.
DAMMMMMNNNNN E.L.Diaz you are going deep. This is what makes marriage last past the wedding.
Yes the wedding is different than the marriage (think about that).
Whatever your issues with your wife I hope you can work it out b/c brotha you sound serious about making it over this hiccup.
Ok so Candy1252 what you’re saying is that regardless of what’s going on around us in “Today’s” society we still need to hold true to the same marriage values of past generations? I’m guessing your older than I am by your screen name (I’m 31) but do you think the challenges are the same for this new generation of young people as it was for past ones?
.
@E.L.Diaz so what went wrong in your opinion. Obviously you knew what you wanted and made the right choice given your feelings but do you think she made the wrong one? How does that work? I’ve always been under the impression that when one person finds that “one” it would in turn be reciprocated by the opposing party by laws of nature.
Juan, I swept her off her feet. I’m a grown man. I had been married for 11 years before already. I know women. I LOVE women. I show it. She didn’t know what hit her. After “the dust cleared,” she wasn’t ready for the long-term commitment of it. The whole patience thing. She had never been married, no kids and is 13 years younger than I am. She didn’t know what to expect and as the first couple of years went by and life happens, she didn’t like certain things and just didn’t want to be in the marriage anymore. Before anyone starts guessing stuff: I never put my hands on her (hell, I don’t even like to argue), never cheated, worked two jobs while she went back to college and finished, and in the bedroom…well, you know Juan, every guy thinks he’s superman, but there is certainly no lacking there…so, she just wasn’t ready for it and here we are…while there was love, tho, we created two of the most beautiful children ever. They are 3 and 2 yrs old now… I thank God for them every day.
To me marriage seems to be a one-sided relationship now that is why it doesn’t last. I don’t know if people think that after they get married it will still be the same as in go shopping all the time or whatever. When it gets too much for them the start doing “extra” things. For me my soon-to-be-ex-husband thought that I was suppose to do everything (work, take care of the kids, cook and clean). His lazy butt rarely held down a job during the 4 1/2 years that we been married. The writing was on the wall the whole time but I was in love and could see no wrong, until I wanted to go back to school and he claimed he didn’t have enough time to hang out with his friends. HUH?? I knew it was time to go. Marriage is a give and take relationship. No one person should be doing all the giving and taking.
From what I am understanding and from what I have experienced the question in every marriage and relationship is, “How do you handle when the relationship changes?”.
.
There’s a line I truly believe that says, a woman meets a man and expects him to, or at least figures that he would, change but he rarely does. A man meets a woman and expects her never to, or figures that she will never, chnage and she most definitely will.
.
Think about it that average guy still has the same hair cut at 31 as he did in his 5th grade pictures. (provided that you were born after the 1970′s)A females has had a million differnt hair styles this year alone. And whoever she was with at the time of the change maybe didn’t like it, but he better not say anything bad about it.
.
And these changes run the gamut from physical to mental to spritual.
.
How does one change or conform without feeling like they have lost themselves?
That is a great observation: men rarely change and women change all the time. Many women fooloishly think they can change men. How many thugs have you seen or heard of with good women, who think they can love him enough to change him? It never works! I’m the same guy I was when I got married. Nothing changed in me. My wife changed. She changed her mind. She could have told me that before we got married.
hmmm i have had a plethora of hair styles in all the years of my life. Yet most dudes only go through one change (ceaser or locks). God help a dude if he did the jerry curl (soul glow shining through). Anyway Yes I agree with that saying. Most women settle hoping the dude will change/ most men pray she stays the same. I hope that I continue to change, for the better, because I know that life gives me something new to learn about myself and surroundings.
I have a saying too “Women settle for a man they can live with. Men settle for a woman they CANNOT live without.” hmmmmmmm
I agree with that. I’ve heard that saying and I love it. I don’t like to say change tho. I don’t change I grow! And I am the same person I was at 18…I don’t like all the same things I did, I don’t do a lot of what I used to, and I know more and with that make better decisions. BUT who I am as a person and how I love has not changed. I still open my heart to people I may not always trust cause I hate to see someone hurt or without(that’s my grandmother in me). I don’t take the sme risks but that doesn’t mean I’m different…I’m just better. My husband met an independent freak in the sheets whose guard was so high I came off as a bitch. He loved that, but that’s just me in my younger day and protective mode. I fell in love and with that the guard came down so I became softer to him. I’m still a freak in the sheets but I made a commitment to him under God and law so naw I’m not down for the 3some. I still are attracted to women but I don’t want that cause I want you. That changed as my marriage progressed and he hated that in me. He wanted the single me not the commited me. I would have been the same way if he was just my boyfriend and not my husband. I’m just the type….when I’m with you I’m WITH YOU. I agree men want us to stay the same, and I don’t as women were built like that. We adjust to our atmosphere, but our earths core is already set.
Chelle I like you. Preach Gurl!
Its been awhile but I missed you guys too much to stay away too long. Anyway, since I have been married I can only speak for myself. We were fine until the communication stopped. With that we also lost that friendship we had. Its too easy to walk away from it all…sad…but it is. My sister got married too you and then decided she didn’t want it anymore and next thing I know she was divorced. I mean the shit was final in a matter of a week. Its just too damn easy. I feel like marriage is not different then living together(boyfriend and girlfriend style). You need faith not just in God, but yourself and each other. A lot of people get married(especially women) just because they were asked and they feel like its just gonna happen if they don’t take the first pick. Also people need to love themselves first cause eventually that other persons love isn’t gonna matter if you don’t love yourself. Again communication cause when that is lost the trust starts to fade. Women have a bad habit(not to say men don’t do it too) of thinking and analyzing too much! So when the communication is gone we think and think and think. And eventually we’re only thinking bad. So I say faith, communication, and patience. Oh and one more thing married couples with kids have the biggest issue with patience cause after dealing with the kids the job and everything else you start looking at your spouse more as a business partner than a lover. Just cause you have kids doesn’t mean your wife is just a mother…she’s also a woman a sexual sensual being that once upon a time turned you on. You knew the flaws and changes that came with kids. Just because you have kids doesn’t mean that your husband is just a “babydaddy” they are your husband and with so many absent fathers it may be harder for him to adjust. Encourage your man and have his back. Cause when people cheat they are just looking for that one thing that they crave or may have once had in you….now in someone else. People think love is enough but its not its just the leaves on the tree not the root. So that’s how I feel on it. Just think we lack that will to work at it!
CHELLE! Welcome back Ms. We missed you. I for one don’t have kids but your point about the Post-Kid “Babymomma/ Babyfather” colored glasses so to speak is interested. So I’m going by what you’re saying once you have a kid there’s a challenge to see your S.O. as the sexy person you first fell in love with.
Thanks Juan…and yes I think so. For women the body changes and even if she had kids before her marriage(as I did) if she was to have another there are more changes. With age there is change as well. I think that women get consumed with motherhood and forget to be women. But at the same time so many men these days grew up in homes with absent fathers so they don’t know how to turn that paternal instinct on. I know that would fustrate me cause motherhood came natural to me. I knew the fundamentals not just off instinct, but also cause my mother was a single mother and I learned what not to do and what to do from her. It was also me and my daughter for the longest time…just us. So when my ex came along and I had our son I noticed he changed a lot. It was almost like he was thinking if this doesn’t work I’m not changing her world cause they were a unit before me, but now that I have him(although he loves my daughter) how do I do this? My body changed more. Don’t get me wrong I am a sexy being but I’m also not 21 anymore. I’m 31 so working out didn’t come so easy at first. I noticed how couples change towards each other when kids are added to the equation. And its not just hard on the spouses as indivisuals but the kids and the marriage itself. I’m not saying its the kids fault or anything like that. I just think that when you fal in love whether kids were there before or after you fall in love with the man…you fall in love with the woman. And when you get married and stress builds, you have an argument, or even when you’re just having a bad day we take it out on each other. Of course you don’t want to target the kids. And you lose sight of why and how you fell in love in the first place. You lose sight of why that person made you say to yourself this is the last person I’ll want in my life. You just slowly gain disgust for one another. The love usually isn’t lost which is why once you break up things start to slowly be all good again with one another and that’s where patience comes in. Have the patience to just stop and remember even if it takes time just remember. I encourage couples to take that “me time” to love themselves, “family time” to be better parents, and “date time” to keeps the sparks going. I don’t believe in date nights and things like that cause they are planned and scheduled and its starts to become work. Just do it. Stay spontaneous. Of course you can’t just get busy in the kitchen and shit but hell remember he is a man a strong man that once upon a time had you climbing walls, and she is a woman a sensual woman that once upon a time made you blush just thinking about her. Its like once that license is signed people forget that. And people stop marrying so damn young. The older generation didn’t have the half the temptations we do know. So get all that shit out before you settle down cause divorce hurts….especially kids! You wanna play house that’s fine, but just know you can play house for too long before someone wants more and you can’t rush into anything before you really know want you can handle. Basically love isn’t enough. You have to be IN love and you have to KNOW youself before you get married.
Great Points, Chelle…When my wife got pregnant with our first of two, she started to change right away. I put it off as hormones. I spoiled her so much, making sure she was eating and eating right, anything she wanted, back and foot rubs…anything. But, she was becoming…I dunno, mean. She stopped being sweet…hummm, maybe the hormones…then, she got pregnant within three months of giving birth…and she was pissed! she was horrible the entire pregnancy…but, I understood…she jsut had her first baby, going into her senior year in college, and pregnant again…that’s a lot…I stepped it up…On the other hand, I loved her soooo much more for having my babies…and those “hormones”, well they weren’t just hormones…I think she got what she wanted, her baby (she only wanted one, the second was an extra blessing) and then that was it for me…I asked her why did she wanted to get married then, she could have just asked me to get her pregnant (of course, she knew I would have said no)…all for the sake of appearances…I guess divorce is more acceptable to her than having children out of wedlock…smh
Wow great insight there Chelle. So check this, given what you’re saying and confirmed from the friends I have in similar situations, Today’s most successful couples are those that enter the relationship with kids already. Think about it. Especially in the instance where neither has an overwhelming desire to have another at least right away you can concentrate on raising the children individually as well as collectively. Still have time for a career and still be that sexy person your SO met. What do you think?
Lol leave it to you Juan to always challenge my thinking a/o getting me thinking
. In the beginning that would reign true on being the best way. Cause if you think about it two people with no children entering a relationship are most likely too indivisually goal oriented. So much so they may not have time to nourish that relation. But in the end that can be tricky. You have the actual babydaddy(hate that ghetto ass term lol) and babymomma. And they can cause problems in that reltionship out of spite, jealousy, ect. You also have the issue of two children being raised in the same house with different fathers or mothers and the children feel lost in a way. How do they deal with mommy/daddy’s new marriage and this sibling who has both bio parents living in the house vs their one. Its all on what works for you. Simply put a marriage that is already standing on toothpicks is never gonna end up on concrete if you add kids. Like my momma used to always tell me and my sister…you can have a child but having a child won’t keep a man and vice versa! If a child is already present before entering and the marriage doesn’t work then they go their seperate ways and that’s that. There may be some pain still (especially for the child) but its not like you have to deal with the custody battles the, the arguments over the kids. All in all Juan marriage is hard but most are just making it harder than it has to be. There are some things I would have done differently in my marriage but the main one is I wouldn’t have gotten so damn comfortable,
I am a bit confused by this comment…A relationship with kids already in play makes for a better long-term situation??? So someone without kids would not be a suitable pick?? Please explain this rationale. At the end of the day, it is the person that you are with that matters most. Maybe I’m just confused.
I think given Chelle’s Comment and logic the strategy isn’t bad. If we examine those relationships in a vaccum without the effect it may have on ex’s, and the children those relationship may have the best probability of success. It worked for the Brady Bunch.
I can see where you would be confused. I’m not saying that having kids first makes for a better relationship. What I was saying(but may not have expressed well) is that so many people get married for the wrong reasons anyway. So to add kids makes it worse. So many people get married without truly knowing each other. They love each other…the sex is great…let’s get married….do I know what makes you you and do you know what makes me me …no not really. So now let’s have a baby(that’s what married people are supposed to do). Now the kids are in the middle and you are miserable and now you have Divorce. Like E.L. said he loves his wife but he feels his wife wanted kids. She didn’t have to get married to do that. He is a strong man cause not all of her mean-ness lol was hormones. Maybe her thought was she wouldn’t have waited longer for marriage. All I’m saying is that its a little…not a lot but just a little easier to do that family thing with marriage when kids are already present(just my opinion). It is tricky. And I’m sure that there are many that would dissagree. But I can only speak for myself. I was a child entered into a marriage….and I was a woman with a child that entered a marriage. So I have seen both sides of the spectrum. I also many couples without kids that have entered marriage with their own indivisual goals and they really loved each other, but the minute they don’t like each other they call it quits and if there is talk of kids they call it quits. If you are a already made family so to speak one of you if not both already knows what sacrifices lie ahead. You already know about the chnged physic, the kids needs, and you can now learn how TOGETHER keep each others spark lit. Kids is just one issue tho. You have to remeber that I also said communication. Cause when that is out stress will build and with kids that can cause a bigger problem. Again its tricky and its all up to you. But anyone…answer me this…do you think if our grandparents had to do it all again WITH the temptations we face today that they still would have married each other? I know my grandmothers first marriage she only married him cause she was pregnant, and he was doing what then you were supposed to do….marry her and live with your responsibility. I think a lot of people get married today for security, fear of being lonely, and well society and family saying that’s what you’re supposed to do…the natural order of things. Not everyone is going to agree with me, but hey Juan did say “SOUND OFF” lol. And when I speak on a topic that sparks me I do just that
SN: Juan…really dude…the brady bunch lmao stop it
Ok Chelle I see where you are at. I come from parents that married THEN had kids together. However my Dad had kids before my mother and well…my mother was not feeling this situation. My half-sister looked like my Father and she was/is loved by all of my siblings. So my mother had to swallow her pride and see that my half sister is forever in our lives. This was the 60′s and 70s.
I am waiting to get married to have kids. Society now questions me with “why you have no kids” b/c that is now the new norm. My response “Whatever Jacka$$”. Just feel I want to worry about the baby and not the status of my relationship (we a couple, we separated, we on hiatus till the paternity test, etc).
Do I date guys with kids? Yes. Do I have a problems with the baby-momma? Sometimes based on whether she still has feelings for the father. Do I have a preference? Hell Yes. No baby mamas. Do I know guys with no kids? Yes, the professional white-collar guys that are NOT Becky chaser. Who is the best marriage material — kids or no kids? ALL BASED ON THE GUY!!!
Love happens and you have to be open to accept it.
Juan the Brady Bunch worked b/c both of their spouses DIED!! The writers knew to have no BABY MAMA/BABY DADDY drama.
My example The Cosby Show. Clair and Cliff were married and THEN had kids. We never heard of Cliff taking a side chick. So this is my model.
See girl we’re basing our oulooks on how we grew up ourselves. But both agree that you still need the basics for marriage to work…faith and communication for and with one another bring trust, God, patience, and love…it’ll still be work lol. But if you have these from the start its a job you will never lose or want to quit.
I’m a big fan of highbrid nation and I enjoy this particular topic. The general rule of thumb to be successful in ANY relationship depends on how you guard your WORDS! The things you say that cut so deep! Words are like toothpaste in the tube; once it comes out, you can’t take it back! It is written that out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks! If we are able to truly listen to what comes out of people’s mouths (especially if they are a “love interest”), we will understand more about them and be able to make clearer decisions in our own hearts and minds concerning marriage.
PopCoach thank you for your support. Please keep the input coming. The more views and opinions the better the discussions. I think your point about words and being more discrete about your communication is a key one and one we haven’t yet addressed in the previous two discussions. I think you’re right. We’ve come more and more accustomed to people being so disrespectful in public and private that it becomes second nature for us to do so within our own relationship. We become victims of our own environment. Perhaps with more restraint and discipline to deny those temptations we can be more successful in our relationships.
I agree in some light. But I also feel that a lot of people enter relationships these days with trust issues anyway. That’s not good but understandable. So if you do something foul and you’re called out on it who are you to say HOW I call you out on it. I also have this curse of brutal honesty. Of course I know some things are better left unsaid. But in a marriage I should be able to, as so my spouse, say how I feel about anything at that time. My thing is at least I’m bringing it to you instead of talking behind your back. I’m not talking on the phone to my girlfriends telling them anything I haven’t already told you. And I’m not telling them much of my household business at all. Yes this world is very rude compared to when I was younger and it saddens me. My grandmother taught me to never be rude cause angels come in all forms and you never know what blessings you could be sacrificing. My mother on the other hand taught me to be honest and sometimes honesty hurts. But you must speak your heart and be open with the people you love cause no one likes a liar. So I know I may have said some hurtful things, but at the time I meant every word! One thing though I never hit below the belt, and I never say anything I may regret later.
See I can appreciate that. I prefer to know what’s up. I don’t like information being witheld and especially don’t like being lied to.
Me either! I don’t like the idea that someone knows something I don’t but should know. Its like you’re trying to make me look like a fool. And I am a woman yes so I am naturally more emotional than most men, but don’t lie to me. Cause I may find out anyway and I will appreciate and respect you more hearing it from you! I may not like you after you say it lol but hell at least I know. And YES tell me if I look fat. Don’t tell me no then stop sexing me cause I don’t turn you on. Cause if you look sloppy I’m gonna tell you then I’m gonna help you get healthy for and for me
“What Does It Take To Be Succesful In a NEW SCHOOL Marriage?” 3 words: Patience and Playstation.
I don’t have lots of patience (Juan knows this) but playstation has kept my wife from “leaping” from the 5th floor window. It takes a lot of patience. You must have your mind about you.
Other than that. Do things together. I went hiking with my wife and I learned so much about her. It brings you closer.
Playstation? Explain.
There are too many insecure and immature people getting married without TRUE knowledge of what a real committed union looks like. Life is short and we make some of the simplest things difficult. Treat your spouse how you want to be treated. I keep coming back to respect, trust, love, patience, and understanding b/c they make sense. Everyone that means anything in your life you give them room to make mistakes. However it is unconditional real love that lets you forgive. You cannot change anyone b/c that is God’s job. All you can do is learn to accept and grow.
Although I have touched other reasons and situations…I still do agree with you on this
BINGO!!! (and yes I sung the song while typing in bingo).
.
I have brought up that fact you mentioned in another conversation. I have absolutly NO idea what a healthy martial realationship is outside of Claire and Heathcliff Huxtable.
.
There isn’t one married couple outside my of myself, my older sister and my maternal Grandfather, who remarried over 20 years ago and of which I have I met this other woman maybe twice…… but I have many paternal siblings, some of I never met, tons of cousins, and three uncles that are several years my Junior.. Complete dysfunction and chaos!!!!
.
So how am I supposed to be successful in a relationship when I have no actual representation of such, nor know someone who has been in one….And this isn’t only me!!!! This probably the one of the few areas where I can say I identify with Black Urban America….
.
It almost feels like a set up!!!!
In order to marriages today to be successful, both parties hopefully have full respect for the inner circle of marriage and down let the outside influences from single friends and weapons of ‘mass distraction’ i.e social media outlets such as facebook erode the fabric of the relationship. Nuff said!
I’m rather late in replying to a few things Chelle said however, I’m not on the nation every day and I apologize. As a successfully married man for a good # of years, I’ve elected to wait until I can criticize lovingly; out of care and concern for my spouse and her “trust issues”. The most important thing in effective communication is sensitivity. Brutal honesty often means that the brutality will outweigh the honesty because you didn’t take the time to consider the other person’s issues! Even if you are hurt and trying deliberately to retaliate, “two wrongs STILL don’t make it right!” It is written to be quick to listen (in full, without cutting me off), slow to speak (so what the other person actually said sinks in), and slow to anger (so you don’t say or do something you’ll regret later). I’ve learned the hard way myself but, learning what it takes to have a successful marriage is the point I’m aiming for. In today’s lingo, people love to “keep it real” while obliterating sensitivity. Keep in mind, ignorance and stupidity” is real also! Respect includes measuring your words so that an honest critique doesn’t become a blatant accusation.