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Friday, November 19, 2010 | 9:10am
DEAR NATION: Should I or Should I Not Get Married? I Need Your Help.
Is it worth it to get married?
#marriage
This isn’t something I normally do but figured who better to reach out to about something that was on my mind than my Family, The Nation, The Highbrid Nation.
For those who don’t know I’m 31 years old and have never been married. Recently, I spent some time in deep thought about the institution of marriage. What does it mean and exactly what are the responsibilities and expectations that come with it. Its seems to me that with over half of all marriages ending in divorce that its something that should be re-evaluated. With so much infidelity and dishonesty and scallywags in the world its easy to understand why.
But for our generation, marriage has become far less of a priority than that of our parents and although we’re having kids at a slightly younger clip, we’re either chosing to forgo the ring, the ceremony and the whole bit or just doing so later in life. For me, my career has been top priority and I’m sure much of the Nation can relate. As an entrepreneur and captain of a small business ship, raising a family to me has always been seen as distraction not to mention the cost of a wedding these days can set you back a few years financially. With a struggling economy paying the bills has become job 1 for most of us as well as climbing the corporate ladder or in my case building a successful business.
And all for what so you can turn around less than a couple years down the road and get divorced shelling out even more than the cost of the wedding in alimony and child support? The only ones making out in that equation are the crafty gold-diggers and the divorce attorney. I know there are exceptions but the statistics don’t lie.
Recently, however I realized that I’m not getting any younger and maybe it is time to get myself settled. The economy is still in the toilet and if I’m waiting for it to get back to the days of pre-Wall Street collapse I might be too old. The fact is there will never be a perfect time to raise a family and if you wait too long it will pass you by. I see my boys and female friends raising their kids, taking them to their first day of school, taking pics with Santa and Easter bunny, cheering them on at pee wee football practice and gymnastics. Its all kind of cool and something I fear I’ll miss out on. I’m the last male member of my family and without an heir my family name dies out so family has always been important to me but at what price?
The problem is, especially in our society and specifically our black communities the kids are the best part at least from where I’m standing. As one of the very few among my immediate friends to not have kids or have been married I have the opportunity to view it from an external prospective. I have boys that have been married and subsequently divorced, some that are very unhappy in the relationship and only got married due to pressure from the S.O. and others that just stay in it for the kids. For the most part, everyone is unhappy and regretful of the decision.
So what gives? I know the Nation is in a variety of situations out there so help the kid out. E.L. Diaz, I know you’ve been married what 3 times? I expect to hear from you. What’s up Left-Eye? Share some of your thoughts about the institution of marriage. Earlier this week I shared the stat that 72% of black children are born out of wedlock. I’m not sure I want to be part of that statistic but perhaps its better than being in marriage destined for failure.
FILED IN Editorials, Need to Know
Isn’t it better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all?
Our “instant gratification” generation is failing miserably at marriage because Marriage.Is.A.PROCESS. You must work on it. DAILY, sometimes hourly. But when it works, it’s euphoria…
If you are priviledged to find a GOOD woman–a Proverbs 31 woman (not just good looking) you’ve got a gem. You should definitely get married if you want a LIFE PARTNER (someone who you can build and grow with) and a family (the kids are the best of the two of you – like whipped cream on top of a sundae).
If you’re as committed to your marriage as you are to your business, you will not only be the captain of your small business ship but you’ll find yourself the King of a happy home.
Agreed but I’m the guy who likes a simple menu. I hate the cheesecake factory because there are way too many items for me to chose from. That’s kind of like dating. How do you know when you found the right one. I mean I have someone I love spending time with but does that translate into a “life partner” as you said?
I’m married – almost 9 years on Wed. – somedays, I honestly question that myself– LOL. BUT I also question whether I picked the right major, career, neighborhood to buy a home in… Those are life choices that were made with prayer and faith in God.
I’m also a Christian and believe that my footsteps are directed by Him. God puts people in your life (and sometimes takes them out) for reasons.
I’d be lying if I didn’t admit there was a time when I wanted to walk away, but I had to remind myself of the commitment I made to myself, to my husband and God. I will not take it lightly. We both had to push through (it was hard) but now, on the other side, its worth it. The growth is amazing (for us both). We have two beautiful children who we are both committed to provide the best life environment possible.
Even when (and it will happen) there are rough points, coming out on the other side is so much more empowering and connecting. It’s not going to be perfect – that is what you have to understand. But is anything in life perfect?
I’m an experiential person. I value experiences. I’d rather go on a trip than stack the money in the bank. I thrive on growing and learning life lessons through my experiences. I think it makes you a better person – I love to learn something new about myself through my experiences. If my marriage “experience” ultimately doesnt work out, I will treasure the time we had, the lessons I learned and continue to grow from it.
The last thing I would do is spend my life wondering… What if?
Interesting how the ladies come out for this topic. I welcome your input. I hear what you’re saying but could you provide more examples of what type experiences (since you say you’re into that) contribute to your euphoria about your marriage outside of the children. Like if you didn’t have children.
Sure… you might think these are corny but here are a couple…
Having someone (my dude) I trust whose got my back to talk about my goals and aspirations – we encourage each other
Setting goals together and achieving them (together) – how cool is that!! ok, I’m an overachiever too
Our 1st home, paying off the car –whoo hoo
Going thru loss of family members is hard, but I’ve learned much about my husband through these experiences… how he copes and now have a greater understanding of who he is (and vice versa)
Oh, my recent fave – we went parasailing together… OMG, I can’t swim and he’s not fond of heights so we were both able to overcome something together and it was so much fun – we laffed so hard we both almost pee’d our pants…
Hope it helps…
I see your point. The experience of being an adult is more fulfilling when you have a mate to share it with is what you’re saying. IDK about paying bills together. Doesn’t sound like fun to me hahaha. Thanks for the input.
Isn’t it better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all? — I Dunno, RJ. I love hard. And right about now, I feel that exact same amount of pain….I’d trade one year of my life for one day with my wife, how we were in the beginning.
I’m with you man…I am divorced with two kids (married too young) and re-married (maturity-but still love to look). The only good thing that came of it was my kids. Dont miss out on the kids or atleast make sure you raise them….that shit is priceless and funny as hell. Any way fuck marriage..id would rather raise my kids by myself.
So you are just a sperm doner and a jackass. You still looking but you are supposedly in a mature relationship…HAH!
But Candy that’s my point. Ｉ ｕｎｄｅｒｓｔａｎｄ Ｊｕｉｃｅｍａｎ． Its not so much that we’re trying to be dogs or play the field but as a businessman I’m taught not to put all my eggs in one basket. Ｔｏ ｄｉｖｅｒｓｉｆｙ ｔｈｅ ｐｏｒｔｆｏｌｉｏ． How do I know when I’ve found the right one.
This is not a business deal…this is your life. I can’t tell you how you know because it is different for everyone, but will say this. You know its right when that person is always there for you…who listens without censure and makes you laugh to help lightened the load. You know when you are together it just feels right because you are comfortable and happy. Of course there will be times when you disagree. This is not a fairytale. But you know you don’t want to be away from that person too long. You know when your souls meet at those special times. Juan, you just know in your heart that it is the right thing to do.
You seem a little butt-hurt Candy-ASS. Its a forum…dont take it too serious.
Trust me, I’m not. What happened to freedom of speech?
Easy there. Simmer down. Hahaha.
Dear Juan,
Every marriage DOES NOT end in divorce. You sound so jaded and it hurts my heart. Marriage is a commitment that has to be worked at 24/7. Both people must have the same values and ethics. But more importantly they have to be friends first and respect each other. Children must have both parents in their lives to show them the correct way men and women should act with each other. Your statistic of 72% black children born out of wedlock were probably born to young people (children themselves) who don’t have a clue about life. You sound scared and already defeated before you have started. When you embrace that type of attitude, you have already lined up the universe to be against you, not for you. I have been married for many years and while it wasn’t always perfect, we learned to communicate rather than let displeasure build up to resentment. Anything worth having in life usually comes with challenges; as an entrepreneur you should know that. I wish you all the best but can tell you don’t let life pass you by based on someone elses mistakes.
I come from a divorce household but from two very loving parents who only split when I was an adult so I don’t think my philosophy sprouted from that but from my friends parents.
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I have been in two very long relationships but I guess I’ve been listening to R&B too long and just feel like that “one” will somehow jump out at me a fireworks will literally be set off in the sky. Life isn’t that way and I’ve tried to accept that. That’s why I need help. I’m trying to learn from Good examples if its worth it. I’ve learned from business that you need to surround yourself with positive examples if you want positive outcomes.
Juan, It sounds like you are really into this lady. You need to ask yourself if you can go on with not speaking to her, looking at her or doing anything else with her that makes her so speacial for the rest of your life. Not everything is about statistics. Why don’t you be the one to break the mold and say yes this woman is my pride and joy and I don’t want to live without her. Love is a wonderful thing. If you wait too long she might not be there in the morning…
Look I’ve always been a relationship guy but marriage is a big step. I like coming home to a woman but marriage is forever and if you make the wrong move its check mate. I’d also have to disagree with you. Marriage is a potential business decision as well.
OH PLEASE!!!! You need to stop looking like it will be doomed from the start. It will take both parties to make it work but if you go into the marriage with the woo-is-me attitude, it won’t last attitude then you won’t get what a marriage is all about. Its about sharing the good and bad times, having each other back if the other needs it. Are you sure that you are really looking for a lifetime commentment or do you just want to keep her in order to save face?
I’m putting myself out there and my feelings about the institution of marriage but trying to be as general at the same time so the Nation can benefit from the discussion as well. So its not just about me and my past or feelings. I think my MAJOR point is that I DO (no pun intended) want to have a long term relationship but its not always under your control. Couples don’t break up because there’s no love but rather there’s no money, no job, no quality time. I cant fortell the future so I don’t know what it may hold for me good or bad and that’s what scares me as far as determining whether a potential suitor may or may not stick around for. I’ve always wanted to have the perfect situation before starting a family but as it stands it looks like those days won’t come soon enough.
Alright Juan, I have to give you my input too my brother. I have been married now for 8yrs going on 9. It has not been the easiest thing in the world but somehow we’ve made it this long. There are many ups and downs that I’ve gone through but in the end its all worth it. You need to ask yourself if you can deal with hardships in a marriage. I am sure you’ve dealt with hardships being a business man and its a little similar in a marriage. You put forth all that you have. Your blood, sweat, and tears. There will be days when you just want to say fuck it I quit but you have to tell yourself that it will be ok. You can be strong and make things work. I love my wife and there is nothing I won’t do for her. God blessed me with a beautiful wife and a beautiful daughter. I am very happy with my marriage. And if you decide to get married and have children you will know what its like to love someone so much. Especially someone who is apart of you. I am patiently waiting to have a son, my name needs to be carried on so when I have a boy he’ll be named after me. On another note, I am happily married but I LOVE LOVE LOVE looking at FAT BACKS!!!Hey its just looking, I know who I love but nothing wrong with complimenting the FAT BACK LMAO! I’m sorry I can’t help it! In conclusion Juan, you are a grown ass man and I don’t know you personally but I’ve read enough of your posts and I believe you will make a great husband to the woman you choose to spend the rest of your life with. You seem like a genuine guy and that says alot. Remember my brother, life is short. Don’t miss out on the opportunities that God gives you.
Thanks B.E.B. I think I’d make a great husband too. I’m going to put all my effort into it if & when but I can’t control the other party. I’ve heard horror stories about women turning into Peg Bundy.
I’m just gonna answer the question without reading anyone else’s comment. I’ll come back later and respond to some of them. I’m sure they’re insightful…..I am on my third marriage, Juan, yes (Damn, Bruh, you had to out me like that?!…it’s all good!)…and I’m separated from my wife. I love being married. I believe in the bond it seals, when you already have a personal, intimate bond with someone. Marriage just for the sake of it will not make two people happy. Marriage will not make you compatible, but it will exacerbate differences, making your life a living hell. If you are in love, have the same goals in life and your personalities are compatible, it can be a wonderful thing. Can be because you still have to mesh your life with someone else’s: the give and take, handling life’s stressors without nitpicking, fighting and going on jealousy rages, etc……..
Should you get married? Only you know that. And you do know, Juan.
Still make for great debate and if or when I do I wouldn’t do so without The Nation’s council. Sorry about that.
I come from a home that had a mother and father that was marrierd for 49yrs until my mother passed last year. I remembered when i was little and my father would take me to the baby sitter and he would call my mother and tell her that he loved her everyday.He worked nights and she worked days and they only saw each other on the weekends. I had 3 other brothers and 1 sister and we had a happy home. Not because he told my mother that he loved her but he showed her. I said when i got older thats what i wanted, a family. Well i did and i got married and divorced within 6yrs. Why because i got married for the wrong reasons.I’m not mad nor have anything negative to say about being married. I saw the good about being married but didn’t know about the hardships about being married. I just found out all the ups and downs that my parents went trough. The only book that i read about being married was my parents.I met a young lady fine as hell. Light skinned, long hair and a nice fat back!!! I fell in love quick cause i thought i had it made, nice car, pockets full of money and a trophy wife. I got married for all the wrong reasons. After the honey moon wore off i had nothing but bad times. We fought all the time. Every week end. I have one handsome son and twin daughters to show for that. I say all of this to say that marriage can be a beautiful thing if it’s for the right reason. LOVE!!! Now that i’m much older and a little wiser, i see realationships differnt than when i was younger. I was told by someone that i respesct, never date someone that you wouldn’t marry.I meet alotof women on my job and at church, and some of the stories that they tell scares me. What they lower their standards just to be in a realationship and not to be lonely.They go on facebook and other web sites to meet men. We don’t take time to study, court, become friends like we use to do. Iknow why my marriage failed, because i wasn’t in love, i didn’t really know her and thats no ones fault except mines.I would love to be married again. Yes i had some bad times but i also had goodtimes too.It’s nothing like being married. I learned what love is (1cor.4:8a). I have learned that i’m not going to meet someone thats perfect, that they are going to have issues.I have learned how to love unconditionally.In God’s time i know when i will meet that special lady!!
THANKS FOR THIS SUBJECT!
Thanks for contributing. So let me ask you this if love presented itself again would your prior relationship make you gun shy on the next?
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Also, good couples fight no? Its a form of expressing your feelings but it must obviously be within reason.
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I’m starting to wonder if those that have BEEN married before make for better spouses in their second relationship. Hmmmm maybe I’ll post that next week.
No,these days women have gotten bold with what they are looking for. You shall know them by thier fruits(Matt. 7:16). It’s rather you are willing to put up with their issues.
Great Post Mike. I totally agree. I always advise my single girl friends to NOT waste their time with men who they know (and they always know) do not want the same thing.
I wish all single guys who have that kind of appreciate for those women who DONT lower their standards.
“I wish all single guys who have that kind of appreciate for those women who DONT lower their standards.”
explain.
real quick:
If a woman has certain expectations, standards, requirements, whatever, they have their right to them. It’s actually HONEST of them to communicate to whoever their dating upfront. That way, that dude is given the opportunity to be HONEST and hopefully will say, “Nah, I’m can’t make that work”. That way, neither party has to waste anymore time.
thats what I mean… i don’t think enuf brothers really can appreciate that. if you want to “negotiate” the requiremetns, then try to do so, in a fair BUT OPEN AND HONEST dialougue. Be upfront about what you want, and what you think you want, if you don’t know, say you don’t know – at least it gives the other party the opportunity to make their own choices — based on real info.
For someone who has been married, divorced and had his bank account wiped out as a result and no kids. I should be bitter but I am not. I still say marriage is beautiful thing. I married young the first time around and played a blind eye to a lot of things you know Juan you were in the wedding. but I refuse to believe that its all bad like most people say. At the end of the day you always have a choice. It was not all bad for me just not the right person. And I’m still young still young (early 30′s) and just got engaged two days ago. The difference is I am wiser now and believe that God put this person in my life for a reason. You just know when it’s the right person. (Juan you know the first time was not right) Its not an M&A but a partnership if you want to look at it from the business point of view. Its something that just feels right. You don’t want to be away from that person . You have to take the good with the bad. Just like she has to do the same. . So look at it this way since your such a sport fanatic, in a team environment it’s the whole team that contributes and make the win possible. Truth is that there will always be horror stories and statistics
This was a good read. Ok, now I can comment.
The answer to any and every major decision in life comes from how much you know yourself and if you are mature enough to recognize the person that you actually are and not who you think you should be. I’m an older brother but I feel more like a father because I raised my younger brothers and have had and continue to talk to them about subjects like these. I was engaged before to a woman that I had a great relationship with and did not want to break up with but I DID NOT want to marry her. I loved her kid and the thought of being a family more then I actually loved her. I knew it and I fought it because I thought I was a “better person” than that. I just had to stay true to myself and I didn’t go through with it. A break-up is always better then a divorce. Just don’t lie to yourself, you know what you can tolerate and what you can’t. Some people say you will get married when you meet the right person, others say you will just naturally settle down when you get older. I know that it will take meeting the “right person” for me to get married, female best friend material, not supermodel, although a female supermodel best friend combination works, too.
See I think skinny is on my wave length. My ex and I dated for years and I think my challenge was that I loved her family and how they welcomed me more than I loved the relationship. I think she loved the idea of me being her husband more than she loved me and it cause conflict. She always wanted to control me. I just finally had to bow out. Best decision I ever made. But I don’t want to dismiss subsequent situations because I’m fearful this person might not be “the one” or perfect. Feel me Nation?
As long as you find(or have already found) someone that lets you be who you are, & that loves you for who you are, & vice versa for you, I say go right ahead. You also have to bend & take some things in a marriage(or relationship period) for that matter, also on both parts. I’ve never been married myself, but everytime that I meet a lady that I “like”, she either doesn’t give me a chance at all, or tries to change me. You have to realize that you can’t change a person, & thay usually by the time you meet the person that you want to marry, they are who they are, for the most part, you can’t change anyone but yourself. PEACE!!!
I agree gphi. You’re not going to change a person’s character ever. They may develop with you and you may enhance their good qualities but at the same time marriage only exacerbates their negative qualities which can be a frightening thought for bachelors like us.
This is a good post that I feel compelled to comment. I wish God gave each couple a discernable tattoo/marking that would tell you who was your perfect mate “The One”. This way you can go through life and when you see your matching tattoo on another you will both know, immediately. He is for me and I am for him. However God being all knowing has given humans the ability to choose. We can live your lives without any preconceived notions and be open to experience life and “LIVE” it to the fullest.
Should you get married….Don’t Know!! You have to really consider all the pros and cons of intertwining yourself with someone else. You have to be selfless and willing to compromise for the good of the unit and not just for yourself. I know some people are scared and most likely dealing with past drama but why punish the next person. You need to analyze this persons actions towards you and what they do when you are apart. Mike Pow quoted Matthew 7:16 “By their fruit you will recognize them” which was a great way to examine someone’s intentions.
My story — I met this guy and he said upon first seeing me that he thought I was the “hottest he ever saw”. WOW!!!! Maybe he saw fireworks but there was an overcast and damn cold outside. We were both drawn by appearances but then we starting talking. Guess what….he became my most treasured friend. After almost twelve months, we are still in contact b/c he learned more about me than just outward looks and vice versa. We have our great times and some really tough times but we always come out wanting to remain together. Every day I pray he is walking in faith and not fear (1 John 4:18). Should we get married….Don’t Know!!! I don’t know what our future will entail – grow together or grow apart. Only time will tell.
i do hope though…..
So relationships are about learning then. So to develop with someone you need to continue to learn? I like that. Its interesting so essentially those couples that have been together 30, 40, 50 years are the ones that have continued to learn and thus grow together. I’m a bit of a nerd so I treasure eduction. I also use analogies to demonstrate certain concepts. I think the way you put that makes sense to me. My thirst for knowledge can be the model I use for love. Thanks Honey Love.
If you have to think about it this much, then it’s not for you. Be single and live a lonely, broke life with no girl, no kids and no family. Best luck.
LMAO! Finally, the voice of reason!
This one has been a great read. My only comment is that Juan had better put an invitation out to The Nation when he finally does get married!!! Hahaha
. The institution of marriage is something that most people don’t really think about before saing “I do” so I commend you Juan for taking the time to do so and giving us a reason to do the same. A lot of things around us point to why we shouldn’t make that step but, I believe that if it’s something you want to do you should. And as long as you go about it the right way and share what it is you believe and want to see happen it increases your chances of not becoming an exception to the rule.
I’ll be sure to send an evite to everyone. If you can’t make it I’ll have it live on USTREAM hahaha.
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All jokes aside. Thank you for the input. I really was hoping the discussion would help all of us out there that don’t get to have these types of discussions because in our inner circle its not macho to do so and when we do, our closest friends can be biased by their own situations. That’s why I love the Nation.
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The reason why marriages fail is a combination of the things: An old institution trying to survive in modern times. People being pressured by what society say is right and wrong. And the self praising money hoarding narcissistic circus show that the actual wedding ceremony has become.
If you study the origins of the institution of marriage it’s an extremely ancient concept that doesn’t necessarily apply to modern times. The thought of having one life partner worked in a time when people died in their 30′s and 40′s it made sense to get hitched in ur teens have kids to continue the family name, legacy, riches etc. If the institute of marriage was established in modern times it would allow for multiple life partners just based on #’s our life expectancy is now in the 70-80yr old range to say you’ll only have one life partner during this time is a ridiculous standard.
As you pointed out in ur post and others have commented the reasons why people get married nowadays are the wrong ones. People get married b/c they happen to get pregnant, they’ve been together for “so long”(mind you that marriage is supposed to be for a life time)People get married b/c of family pressures. People get married for money whether it be inheritance, marrying rich or just the combination of incomes this has become a major motivation for individuals to get married in modern times as Juan mentioned some look at it as a business transaction. These reasons stem from societal norms of right and wrong black and white, while reality is nothing but shades of gray with hardly anything being as cut and dry as people would lead you to believe it is.
Finally too many marriages are fueled by the desire for these mega weddings. Over the top ridiculously expensive ceremonies where the narcisisim of the married couple (mostly the bride) is on full display. A lot of these ceremonies are a display of the day these woman have planned in their head and on paper since they were about 10yrs old. It never ceases to amaze me that 2 people who make a combined 80k a year will spend 30-100k on a 4-5hr party where the whole point is to recoup 50% of the money spent via cards and gifts. Just take a look at shows like Bridezillas or Platinum Weddings to see what I’m talking about.
My point is for marriage to be successful in modern times we have to reverse almost everything we’ve been taught and have seen about the institution since the day we were born.
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