- Home
- Business & Marketing (833)
- Editorials (671)
- Entertainment (2033)
- Fashion (1032)
- Highbrid (189)
- Honeys (2876)
- Humor (948)
- Music (5222)
- Need to Know (2224)
- News (2076)
- Podcasts (4)
- ARCHIVE
Tuesday, June 23, 2009 | 10:31pm
70% of Black Women Are SINGLE?! WHY?!
Why Black Women can’t find love
A while ago, Oprah aired a segment around the statistic that 70% of African American Women are single. AllHipHop.com re-posted the video and I figured it would create an interesting debate.
So Nation…what do you think? I was a little shocked by the statistic to be honest until I sat and had an opportunity to actually think about it. I think the answer to why is far more complicated that Oprah’s segment or this blog could do appropriately do justice to. The fact is an entire blog could be dedicated to the reasons why sistas can’t find a man.
First I think, as the woman in the video states, Black men and Black women no longer are looking for the same thing. Black men, who in fact, are looking for a relationship are looking to be “serviced” in a way many of them feel a black woman is not capable of doing. Let me elaborate. I know a host of brothers that feel they need a WHITE woman in their life to “take care of them.” This would include helping them financially, cooking (albeit not as good as the sistas,) cleaning, keeping a decent job and YES…being more “open” in the bedroom.
I’m guessing this is a change from generations gone bye. On the flip side it sounds like sistas want a black man that has a good CAREER (not just a job) but yet is not threatened by his woman making money. He has to be a family man but not a momma’s boy (choosing mom dukes over wifey is a no no.) He has to be committed yet not smothering, caring but still macho, handsome but not too handsome that all the haters will be on him. In other words black women are more particular.
In addition to the differences in values, we HAVE TO talk about the “GAY FACTOR.” There’s no doubt that homosexuality is more welcomed in today’s society than it was 20, even 10 years ago. Its not uncommon even in the most conservative communities to see lesbian and gay couples holding hands and even embracing in the streets. While this societal acceptance probably hasn’t changed the number of available black men, books like E. Lynn Harris’ “On the Down Low: A Journey into the Lives of ‘Straight’ Black Men Who Sleep with Men” have given rise to the very skeptical sista who is fearful that every man she dates also has a dude on the side. This combined with the “He’s Just Not That Into You” philosophy created by Greg Behrendt has not only shrunk the pool of available brothers but also made single sistas less aggressive in trying to get off the block.
But all this is honestly is a moot point. The real reason why 70% of black women are single is because men are cheating in record proportions. With so many single black females available there’s more temptation, more to choose from which equals more cheating. Brothers know the scales are tipped in our favor and if they get caught the reality is there’s another sista waiting in the wings. So until brother stop their cheating ways or more woman refuse to put up with it…these numbers will probably continue to get more stark.
Thoughts?
FILED IN Editorials, TV
WOW! you know you’ve just opened up a can of worms here, right?
.
In my opinion, both men and women share the responsibility; the points you’ve made are right on. I have been in three serious relationships in my life and two have failed. I’m in my third one now, and we are struggling to maintain…F**k it: black women want everything and then some more! they can be picky, childish and trifling as hell. On one hand, they want the career brother to provide the nice things in life, but they also want that thug…Not all brothers are dogs. I know I’m not one. And I take care of my business at work, in the bedroom and even in the kitchen. Yet, my wife will be single soon if she doesn’t get a dose of perspective…there are several out there that I’ve been holding off, because of the vows I made, just waiting for the green light…So, women are just as much to blame, contrary to what they may say…much to say on this subject……
Emerson Diaz you da man, thanks to you I don’t even have to say a word. You said it all homie. I’m out
opening cans of worms is what we do here.
I also believe that both men and women are at fault, but it’s almost like a cause and effect. Black women have the worse attitudes, not all, but most. How many times have you heard a woman say “I don’t have any girlfriends cause girls are petty” ITS TRUE!! They nag, want all of your time (cause they don’t have friends), get upset when your happy or in a good mood and they weren’t apart of it, know it alls (speak before thinking), make wild assumptions (most of the time be waaay off) and then act on it, lol sorry had to vent a lil. But that causes a man to say Fnck it! it’s not worth all this naggin, seeing beautiful women all the time they makin advances n $hit(your right Juan the ratio is in our favor and we know it)…not sayin the the grass is greener cause again most women have bad attitudes, xtra emotional….i’m done lol
-B.
The women you talking about have a low self esteem. You got to upgrade in 2009.
this should be a FB question as well I would love to see the response. Emerson said it all. I share the same sentiments. Its interesting how a lot of the married brothers are in the same boat.
I was thinking the same thing (FB question)
Go ahead and pose it as a FB question lyphe. I’ll chime in. Remember the link.
And it’s frustrating because married brothers, for the most part, are trying to do the right thing. I’ll speak for myself: and it’s like I’m damned if I do or don’t! But like I said before, this is my THIRD time and I’m trying to make things work. But, if it doesn’t work out, I’m sure as hell never marrying again! Shyt changes when you put a ring on a woman’s finger! they start tripping, become a totally different person! I guess I’m kinda slow, took me three times to figure that out! But hey, trying to do the right thing, raise my children the right way…and then they have the nerve to talk about black women raising their children by themselves! Stop driving brothas out the house!!!
The driving brothers out the house and talking that “Single Motherhood” speech is a problem. I’d have to agree. Woman are in my opinon MORE responsible for the increase in single motherhood than men.
AHH man Emerson I feel you on som many levels. and Juan can attest to that having been in my wedding. the ring changes things and yes we are damned if we do damned if we dont.
amen Lyphe
Do you think that since it’s your third time, it could be you who’s the problem?
Of course I’m part of the problem: It takes two. But none of the three women will admit that they have any blame in it. Months after we had broken up, I asked an ex if she thought she did anything wrong in the relationship. Her answer: “I picked the wrong man.” I still laugh that she really believed that…the only complaints that any woman can muster up when talking about me is mundane, daily living stuff that women complain about. I have never called a woman out her name, of course, never struck a woman, never cheated or even had “friends” (with benefits) that were on standby just in case the relationship didn’t work out, I have been on my own since I was 17, paying my own way; a woman has never paid the rent, utilities, car note, I always pay for everything when we are out, constantly buy gifts, cards, flowers, little treats, I give complements all the time, say “I love you” every day, put it down in the bedroom (or wherever we do it) I’m packing, and not afraid to experiment (no gay shyt, tho); I can and will cook, at least twice per week, I’ve been told I’m good looking, I’m athletic, have good teeth, intelligent, well-spoken, playful…I mean, WTF? Maybe I’m too nice! I need to be a thug and start calling women ho’s and slapping them around, cheating and not giving a f**k about their feelings…I may just try that!
I hope you don’t do that. You seem like a sweet guy. I hope you stay sweet and don’t let yourself become more bitter. However like you said it does take two and I don’t think the problem is that black women in general have bad attitudes. All my friends are really nice and cool and have great personalities. You’re going to find bad attitudes in any race. Maybe it’s the women you are choosing or maybe you guys simply just don’t understand each other. I’m no expert, I’ve never been married, just sharing a thought.
I’ve noticed that many people tend to generalize when something is not the way we want or expect it to be. It’s easier to deflect blame than to do an honest self-inspection…I’m about through with this whole subject, though. I’m going to take some time off from relationships to concentrate on me and strengthen my relationship with my children…and what will probably happen is that when I have gotten myself back together, my wife is going to want to get back with me. This already happened twice, as well. I didn’t do it then and probably will not do it if it happens again. It takes too much out of me. Thanks for your encouragement.
I think there are many factors that contribute to why black women are single. Some black women are limiting themselves to only dating black men because they feel they are the only one’s for them while some black men are not limiting themselves to one type of woman from one type of race. Some black women are too strong headed and don’t know when to fall back. There are the some that think that they don’t need a man for anything. They feel they can do it all by themselves which may be true but the reality of it all is that everyone at some point needs a lid for their pot.
*
Then there is the “perfection issue” that all women have in general but that black women fall victim to. They want a guy that has everything like a good career, a house, a 401K, etc. and are not willing to date a guy with a job and a dream that has potential. What happens is they end up in relationships where they are not happy because they are too busy searching for the superficial instead of the things that matter the most.
One thing I also failed to address was prison. With black men locked up in record proportion there are less available men. But then again I would assume MOST of those incarcerated aren’t exactly viable options.
Man this is simple half of these guys nowadays dont have jobs,education, they hang there pants down to there knees, they dont know how to talk to or even hold a proper converstions with out saying “bitch” or using some kind of Ebonics…etc. You can see it everyday us young black men are moving away from schooling, and jobs to Gangs and robbery. If you look at the news once in a while with all this gang stuff thats going on its all back on black crime/killings. When you add all of this up it equals death & jail!!!!!!
Deep subject. You know you had that uncle or that playa in the ‘hood back in the day? He always had a bad reputation for “runnin’ women”? The women were willing participants. Unfortunately there are times when people in general don’t know what they want. What’s really sad is that many times it’s our sisters who seem to lead that category. Look, we all have to admit that as men, there’s a little “dog” in all of us. But many times, the dog is teased by the “cat”. (wink wink) Women today talk about relationships, but many of the ones that are in decent relationships are more than willing to put it at risk by making advances to another man. It happens, but we don’t really like to address it. Throw in prison, homosexuality, population, and a host of other factors, and it’s not as surprising as we may think. Oh and another thing, let’s just be honest, some of our brothers LOOOOOOOVVVVEEEEE white women. It’s like it’s their ultimate goal in life. I’m not dumpin’ on the sisters, I’m just sayin’.
I had to add some more to my own comment. I said earlier population, what I was trying to say was ratio. Anyway, I thought on this some more and you know what? A lot of sisters WANT to be single. Now I wouldn’t think that these are the ones that are complaining, but there are a lot of sisters ou there that are willing to share the sex and nothing else. No bills together, no kids together, nothing. You just keep them satisfied sexually and they are happy. Just another thought.
The reason the number is so high is because we don’t get married anymore. There are a lot of single parents and live-in relationships that would normally be marriages. Add that with what I call normal single people (people that are dating and looking for someone) and you get a high number like 70%.
I see no WOMEN have responded so let me be 1st: I am a black woman, who does cook, have 1 child, who is very open in the bedroom, have my own money, goes to school;while looking for work, have my own car/home, is very emotional and have much attitude w/ nice curves and a beautiful smile…and I have dated men who don’t have it all(home,car,money,job). I have a right to be picky, just as I feel men have a right to be picky(b/c u don’t want to settle for just any ol body). @ one point I was single b/c “I wanted to be”(looking for something w/in myself & needed break from men). For me(b/c I can only speak for me) feel that if a man doesn’t have it all he should @ least try to work for what he’s missing. Now I’m a woman who believes in compromise(if you don’t have a car and I do then I don’t mind coming to get you) but I don’t want to ride a man all the time. As a black woman I’m guilty of some of the things said but hell I have good reason to nag and have an attitude(especially when I have had men who don’t work when I do work and when I come home he’s still in the same place prior to when I left) COME ON!! As a black women we do a lot of things ourselves(takin care of the kids, home, bills, etc) and don’t have any help, not saying that we don’t want the help but who can we really turn to. I guess all I’m saying is that instead of complaining about US; HELP US. WHITE WOMEN aren’t the answer to everything; and WE ARE NOT YA MAMA!! Don’t mean to be so long but if there are good black men out there: Pls don’t be shy and Women stop looking for Mr Perfect and try to get to know Mr Potential. *Off my Soapbox*
Big ups!
I give you all the props in the world. This is still a case for the high statistic. She’s a single mother, we are talking about being married and not being married, that is the bottomline here. I’m sure she’ll have no problem having future relationships or even living with someone but will they actually get married?! The real question to me is how do we feel about marriage because there are so many biological families and not “legal” families that I know of.
I never had a problem finding a man…with all these issues out there…I never had a shortage!
that being said…infidelity is a big hindrance but..and I’ma say something here that may make women upset…but..
Black women need to be more submissive!
I could go into describing how…but you know what I mean…a man can’t run his own household nowadays and that is the primary reason (imo) that 70% are single.
I can say this with a certain amount of authority as a married black woman. I’m because:
1.I learned before I got married that I had to take it down a notch (with all that Independent Woman shit) and
2. I have a husband who understood my struggle with it and saw the kind of family I cam from which taught Independence from the crib.
It’s a good thing to have your man as head of household and although my cheeks sometimes cramp from me holding my tongue…I know I must respect and obey him (my husband).
Get mad if you like…but I’m a Black/Hispanic married woman…falling somewhere in the 30%.
oh…and when I met him I had a set of twins from a previous marriage and he had no children at all…I’m sure the statistics on that are equally if not more terrible!
Black women are single, because brothers know that these sistas are financial planners. They all plan on jackin yo scrilla once you put a ring on. Furthermore, Doctors have found that eating a certain food has led to post marital depression, alcoholism, and adultery. It’s called Wedding Cake.
Wow! I have to say I agree with a little of everything I have heard. I keep hearing about how black women have attitudes, children, naggers, angry, and are not marriage material. Well, I think it depends on the woman you are talking about. I have seen it go both ways.
I will speak for the black women I know and myself. I will admit growing up in an intact family. My Dad paid the bills, my mom took care of the house and kids. My mom ironed, washed, cooked, cleaned, took care of 4 kids and held down a full time job. I have never awaken and my mom wasn’t home. I have never seen her with another man. However, my dad was a strong black man that held down two jobs at times to take care of his family, he took care of the bills, fixed what was broken, and did the yard work. The roles were clearly defined. Except I don’t recall seeing them hug, kiss, or just do things together. I know my father had affairs. This was when “Mr. Charlie” did what he wanted and kept his wife.
While our mothers stayed, they taught their daughters “to never let your right hand know what your left home doing” (division), “make sure you go to school and have your own so you don’t have to put up with no man mess” This gave birth to the beginning of “independent woman”.
We are some what a product of our environment. Women being left to fend for herself and the kids. Men making outside children that show up at the funeral. The disrespect of the husband staying out all night or weekend. Come on fellas, let’s keep it real. We have experienced enough to have a “little” anger.
I have been through the entire cycle. I chose to believe there are still some men out there that is looking for the exact same thing I am. That is committment, trust, unconditional love, and tolerance. I am not perfect and I should not have to be, nor the man. We all have flaws, the key is not to expound on them but develop tolerance for them.
I will fix my man’s plate, clean his house, take care of the kids, get down to business in the bedroom. All I ask is that it is reciprocated. If something bothers me or him it is respected.
I could go on for days…so I will end my blog
And you are exactly the kind of woman that a man like me has always looked for…..this is a great conversation…..nothing is 100%. There are all kinds of people, and it seems like we keep running into the wrong ones in our relationships…..
My mother and father were exactly the same as yours!!!
Oprah is absolutely right. The problem is the numbers. At my church, there are 20 single women and 2 single men. In my office there are 10 black women and 1 black man. The problem is the culture, the boys are taught to act hard, not respect women, don’t care about their grades so they cannot get good jobs, be wild on the streets so they end up in jail. Excuses are made for them “boys will be boys” and us sisters have to be tough and do what we are supposed to because no one makes excuses for us. In fact we are blamed for everything. We are told that we let men get away with too much or we are too picky. We are too successful or we are gold diggers. No one can deny that the state of black men is atrocious. It blows my mind that black women can be blamed for ANYTHING since we hold it down for the whole race. I’m in a very happy relationship with a black man but its not because I am better than other black women, I just got lucky. There is nothing wrong with black women, in fact I am very impressed, despite everything we are put through even from our own men who say we are not good enough (though we love them anyway) we still rise up and do our thing!
I think that’s a little to simplistic an answer sweetie pie. Boys get bad grades = no available single men?
I think you just oversimplified my answer. I’m pretty sure there was more to that equation in my response. I listed a lot of factors.
To say theres is “nothing wrong with black women” is grossly naive at best. I have seen black women concur Wall St yet in my hood I know tons of black women who if it wasnt for Welfare Reform in the 90′s would have NEVER got a job.
Problem is in this instant gratification era all of us want to get over with out getting dirty. The DIY philosophy is cool but there are some things you cant do on the hook up. But that hasnt stopped so many of us born in the 70′s from trying to “hook up” our relationships.
Men who dont go to college but just get jobs buy cars do so because they can date some of our baddest and brightest black women-get her best before she realizes she’s propping up a glass house. Sadly these degreed ladies disillusion themselves into thinking they can get their non academic boyfriend to crack a book-his answer to that is buy her stuff and of course let the D do the talking.
Sisters want the successful man but seem to forget its better to build with that man not overrate the one you dont know but met him (club, lounge/bar) after he’s workin at Deutsche Bank as a analyst clockin entry level $60,000 a yr. Or just a working dude with a car and disposable income.
You really think these men wants to settle down?
However dating while we both are in the struggle is best. Yet sisters have answered that by saying they can do bad by themselves. The one pattern I see in todays relationships is Life of Peaks and NO STRUGGLES ever.
So while I was in NYU I couldnt compete with the brother who “doesnt need college” has a truck and makes his 35k for the cable company. Thats all well when she’s 25 right outta grad school, but five yrs later she THEN sees he really has no intentions to do better. He should in my opinion try to match his girls ambitions but todays mediocre men know that todays women is impatient. While me being in NYU made good press for the NAACP it was no fun making $8.25 an hour 20 hrs/wk. This is something you see across all racial lines in dating. If the guy is “getting his act together” but simultaneously cant wine and dine a woman he is considered no good. So the guy with the “good job” but no career plans or no plans to do better wins out-white boys in Appalachia to brothers in the hood go thru this.
Todays woman has to decide as to why they so quickly overrate guys that “got it going on” but fail to see the ones that come out of nowhere. I dont date JUST women that are on top-I didnt help get them there I date grad students, I date women who may be in transition in her life. You see this crap in college all the time if you aint a LAW/MED/COMPUTER-INTERNET student you’re not considered a start. That train of thought is no different than when chicks wanted-hustlers, rappers, drug dealers. Last I was going after this chick but I had I prior knowledge she was sleeping with a married man-she herself was single no kids-nice body so the best she can do is an ex-thug common law married guy? No she was just greedy and wanted when wanted and thats why I didnt go to her baby shower and yea you know whose baby it is!!
PS Ladies please stop using “yester-years” excuses for women today, the money yall make and opportunities yall have is stupid-its not like women are still not locked in positions with no viable options other than standing by your man.